Can You Forgive Yourself?
I have learned over the years that perfectionism is a hard nut to crack. Perfectionists are hardest on themselves, and it is almost impossible for them to give themselves grace. I lived many years carrying guilt and shame of my past sins. Night after night I would lay awake in bed begging God to forgive me of one sin after another. I would berate myself for sinning time and time again because I did not see how God forgive me each time. How could He forgive me if I can’t even forgive myself?
You see, I did not fully understand God’s merciful and forgiving attribute. When I studied the book of Matthew and saw who Jesus truly was and how He treated every person He encountered, I finally realized His grace and mercy are abounding.
Let’s look at Mary Magdalene for example. It tells us in Luke 8:2 that she followed Jesus along with other women and the twelve disciples. Now, for women to have the privilege of walking and working with Jesus was astonishing in itself but look at the women He allowed in His inner circle. It says, “some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases.” Mary Magdalene in particular had seven demons called out of her when she met Jesus. Sometimes I see my perfectionism as a demon because it limits me in so many ways. It places fear, unworthiness, weariness, and thoughts that I am not wanted in my head. It makes me think the opposite of what Jesus says about me. That is one demon that I fight, Mary Magdalene had seven different demons. A woman that originally carried seven demons walked and talked with Jesus and also had the honor of contributing to the needs of the group. She was a vital part of Jesus’s ministry this way. Jesus used all kinds of people to fulfill His calling. I imagine she had feelings of guilt and shame at times in her life. But she understood Jesus’s mercy. She saw that He loved her despite her past. No matter what, she was always welcome in His presence.
Forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things we do as humans. We are not gifted with the kind of mercy that Jesus has, that is something we need Him to help us with. As I prayed to God and repented of my sins, I slowly began to switch from begging for forgiveness over and over again to admitting my sins and asking for forgiveness one time and then asking God to help me forgive myself as well. When we live a life of guilt and shame, we place a barrier between us and Jesus. The same way sin comes between our relationship with Jesus, our own shame prevents us from living a life of peace and freedom in Him. Guilt and shame give us the feeling of hiding from our Father instead of sitting in His presence. We know we cannot hide from God because He is omnipresent, He is everywhere at all times. When we accept that we can’t hide from Him, then we can fully face Him without covering ourselves. We can present our whole selves to Him in confidence that He is merciful.
Finally, after forty-four years, I can rest assured that Jesus loves me no matter what. He chose to die on the cross so that I will be washed clean. The blood that ran down that cross cleanses me so that I do not have to lay in bed at night agonizing over my sins. I can simply take them to Jesus, place them at His feet and turn from them, then lay in the peace that His mercy gives me. Mary Magdalene’s life was miraculously freed by Jesus when He drove seven demons out of her. She lived a life full of energy, compassion, and thankfulness for what Jesus did for her. Her appreciation for Jesus exuberated from her peace and freedom that was given by Him. Surely we can live a life like that.
If God can forgive me instantly, surely I can forgive myself.
“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us form all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
“He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only ours but also for the sins of the whole world.” 1 John 2:2
Digging Deeper:
What guilt and shame are you carrying around?
How does knowing that Mary Magdalene carried around seven demons encourages you?
When have you seen Jesus’s mercy displayed in your life?