God Is By Our Side
“I want to give you life.”
Tenth Avenue North
It was March 2008, I was 9 weeks pregnant with mine and Doug’s first child. We were over the moon excited about having a baby, but also scared. We did not know what to expect as first time parents but the joy of a human growing inside of me was more than I could have imagined.
It was an ordinary Saturday. We were having some friends over for dinner that night and I was getting ready for them when I realized I was bleeding. It scared me to death. My heart fell 1,000 feet and I immediately went into panic mode. I told Doug and we called a friend for advice and then we were headed to the emergency room. After a long afternoon and night in the ER, we were told that our baby did not have a heart beat, I was miscarrying. I will save you the gruesome details of the night, but they are forever engrained in my memory. I can recall every move we made and every word we spoke. If you have been in my shoes, you know exactly how I felt. I wondered what I did wrong, why did God allow my baby to die, why would God bless us and then take the blessing away.
After taking several days off from work, I decided it was time to get back to some normalcy. I was driving to work for my first day back and the song By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio. As I listened to the song, the tears started streaming down my face. God was speaking directly to me!
God was asking me:
Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face, just don’t turn away.
Why are you searching, as if I’m not enough?
Where will you go child? Tell me where will you run.
My grief was so strong that I was trying to turn away from God. I felt like God was not enough to fulfill me. The loss of our child emptied me. My questions consumed me. I felt dead inside. I needed to go somewhere where the pain would not be, but I did not know where that was. God knew I was trying to run from Him and He knew exactly what I needed to bring me back to Him. I just needed Him to gently hold me and tell me I can try to run from the hurt but He will be there when I’m ready for my heart to be healed. I thought that when I lost our baby, I was incomplete. For a time, I forgot that Jesus completed me. I have learned time after time in my life that an earthly person does not complete us. We may lean on an earthly person to fulfill us, but God is the only one that is constant. God is never changing, God never abandons us, God never disappoints us, and God never dies. There is nothing in this world that can complete us.
“Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life.”
As I was first listening to this song and heard the words, “I want to give you life”, I thought God wants to give us a child, He wants to give us life. I had hope in that. But, that is not what God was trying to tell me that early morning in my car. He was telling me that He’s already given me life. By sending Jesus down to earth to die for our sins, He gave me eternal life. My life is in heaven with Him. That is where my desires will be fulfilled. I was wanting Him to give me an earthly life to hold, caress and take care of, but He was reminding me that He was taking care of His child, me. He takes care of us because He loves us. No matter how much we fight Him, He loves us. He will not allow us to run from Him. He will not let us fall into our despair and grief because He loves us too much.
This song changed my process of grieving our baby. My thoughts were changed from what I lost to what I had gained. I knew our baby was with Jesus and was being taken care of the same way He was taking care of me.
After three years, God did bless us with another child that I was able to carry to full term. Then three years later we were blessed with another child. Through those six years, God revealed His perfect timing for our family. Bad things happen to us, but God will always reveal to us that He is sovereign. His plans are always perfect. Be patient, my friends, as you wait for God’s perfect timing and plans. His plans might not match with yours but they are always perfect.
Digging Deeper:
Read: Philippians 1:6 and Psalm 145:18-19.
What causes you to run from God?
How have you felt God pull you back into His loving arms?
What is God asking you to do as you patiently await His perfect timing?